The Saga of Harold the Hoopty-Car

[slipjig3]

So. Got a car. Yay!

This has been a nightmare of, well, nightmarish proportions. Step with me for a moment, if you will, as we present the following dramatic recreation of recent events:

Me: Why, hello, Mr. Car Salesman Guy! I'm looking for a used car!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Good! We have lots of lovely cars over here, just in, lovely condition. How much were you fixing to spend?
Me: Very, very little.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [somewhat disappointed] Oh. Well, there's always this lot wayyyy over here.... [leads me to a decommisioned vacant lot with a chained-up Doberman and a sign that says, "USED AUTIMA AUTAMO CARS. RUN GOOD."]
Me: Wellll, this Intrigue runs nicely...low mileage...bitchin' sub-woofers...I'll take it!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Very good!
Me: And since my Odyssey is worth much, much more than the Intrigue, I can get the difference back in cash, right?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Of course! Our financing department will be glad to...
Me: Um, actually, I was going to go through my credit union, which has my current loan.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [flinches visibly, recovers as he assesses just how much experience I have with this sort of thing] Oh, uh, I don't think they'll, um, do that.
Me: No?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: No. It's...illegal.
Me: [blink] Illegal?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Oh, yeah. Totally. Against their charter, don'cha know.
Me: [blink] [blink] Are you on crack?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Not at all. Now, our financing department would be glad to...
Me: Hold that thought. [dashes home, calls credit union]
Credit Union: Hello?
Me: Hi. I want to trade my expensive car for a cheaper one and pocket the difference, and I want you to do the honors.
Credit Union: Okiedokie.
Me: Mr. Car Salesman Guy says it's illegal.
Credit Union: [pause] He's on crack.
Me: Gotcha.

Next day:

Me: So, wanna hear wat the credit union said about you?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Not really. So, you buyin', or what?
Me: Sure, but I'm going through the credit union.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [flinches visibly] I told you, I can only do that if they cough up a lien release, and they'll never...
Me: They said it was no problem at all.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Oh. [pause to down a bottle of Maalox] Okay, so how do they want to handle it?
Me: Pardon?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: I mean, who writes what checks to whom, and when, and with what kind of pen, and...
Me: Fucknuggets, I don't know. Isn't that your department?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Well, no, because... [cue thunderous echo effect] NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT LIKE THIS BEFORE.
Me: [blink] You sure you're not on cr—
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Call the credit union.
Me: It's Saturday.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Not my problem, now is it?

Monday:
Me: So, how's this supposed to go?
Credit Union: [explains in 50 words or less, in plain English]
Me: But that's easy. The guy told me it's never been done this way.
Credit Union: Crack.
Me: Roger. Thanks. [calls dealer]
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Okay, okay. So when d'ya wanna pick it up?
Me: Wednesday. Noon. Dammit.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: No problem. Noooooo problem. None at all.

Wednesday at noon:
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [shaking my hand] Hi, Adam!
Me: Hi!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Lovely day, isn't it?
Me: Indeed!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Yes, indeed! [pause] Your car isn't ready. Come back tomorrow.
Me: [searches for a blunt object]
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Oh, and that paper in your hand isn't the title. Go home and look for the real one while you're waiting.

So. After much box-shuffling and teeth-gnashing, we have our beautiful 2001 Olds Intrigue, which we have christened Harold the Hoopty Car (Chez Geek fans will understand why) Inaugural drive: The Drovers and Richard Thompson on the stereo while we tooled down to Latham to cash the check. The illegal one, don'cha know. Crack kills, kids.

Comments

[engagefriction.livejournal.com]

HOLLYYYY CRAP what an ass/crack addict the car salesman was. I hope you enjoy your Intrigue! I too have an Oldsmobile, an Alero and I am in love with it!

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Two words: D'Ella Honda. *eyeroll*

And thank you! I love it already.

[engagefriction.livejournal.com]

=-0!! I got my Oldsmobile at D'Ella Pontiac! Oh my god, now I know how that guy could be so retarded. I do not actually remember how he was retarded when I tried to buy my car now, but I do remember us nearly yelling at him.

[daev.livejournal.com]

You are my NEW FAVORITE PEOPLE EVER.

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

*grin* You've always been one of ours. You know that, right?

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

Gee, somehow, I think I live on a different planet.

My last experience with car salesmen was when I wanted a Honda Element, and wanted to pay cash, and the salesman wanted me to look at the Lexus, and get a car loan.

We compromised, I got a 12 month loan for the Element, and will be paying it off early, (car loans are a pain)

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Car loans are a pain, which is why I was so insistent on going through mu credit union which is a Legion of Godlike Beings who has saved my narrow behind on more than one occasion. (And I have to say that even though a lot of the Elements leave me a bit cold, yours is cool beyond cool.)

[rubian77.livejournal.com]

Why is it anything having to do with cars becomes a business that attracts low-lifes and shiesters?

Salesmen and mechanics. Find me an honest one and I'll kiss yer ass in the middle of Main street.

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Well, my mom was. Here's the big difference, though: she worked for Saturn. Remember that old commercial about the woman who had such a good experience buying a Saturn that she decided she wanted to sell them? That's pretty much her story. She says the first thing guys would say to her was, "Okay, okay, go ahead and show me the vanity mirror." *grin*

[merowme.livejournal.com]

*giggles insanely* Can I just say I love how you write. I mean I know it was a mess and an ordeal and all but the way you put it into words is absolutely beautiful. Truly an artist. (said with the accent in that funky french or foriegn way that makes it sound fancy)

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Aw, shucks. *blushes furiously* Thank you so much! I... Eeee! *blushes some more*

[sibylla.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Adam, for bringing gales of laughter to my afternoon. *hug*