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My daughter, the elephant
Dec. 13th, 2002 04:51 pmSo I just passed another Rite of Parenthood, my first child's first Christmas pageant. I wish I had an instruction manual for times like this, because I probably could've used a triple eggnog with an insulin chaser before entering the theatre. My God, you have never seen anything so adorable (although, admittedly, if I didn't have a kid in the show, most likely I would've broken out in a full-body rash by the second song).
I arrived at 12:30, with Kristi coming in from work shortly after; these things being what they are, though, the show itself didn't start until 1:00, and ended, oh, about 13 weeks later. (Yes, I know, it was only a half-hour, but as I said, I was sober.) The theme of the show was a "Christmas Zoobilee," which meant that all the little crumb-crunchers were dressed as animals, except for Hunter, who was the zookeeper. Costumes consisted of construction paper headbands with the appropriate doodads glued on. Abbey was an elephant, so she had a grey headband, with drawn-on eyes and glued-on ears, tusks and trunk, which protruded from next to her left eyebrow so she could see where she was walking. They started by filing in and sitting down in a sort of Waving People on Parade, because whenever a child would spy a parent or two, they'd wave. (Not that we were helping by waving to them in the first place. It looked like the launching of an ocean liner without the confetti.) Then a little girl introduced the show, speaking into an obscenely loud microphone: "WELCOME TO OUR LITTLE PLAY. WE HOPE YOOOOUUUUWAAAAAHHH...." This last bit happened because she'd never used a microphone before, and the amplified sound of her own voice scared her into tears.
Then came the show proper. I can't really tell you the story, because most of the lines were delivered in semi-unison, so they all sounded like "FWUFFUH MUHFFFPLAHH WUFFLEMUFFUH." Ditto the songs, only more quietly, except when they really had a line down cold: "Fuhmufflefwahh WITH OLD SAINT NICK." From what I can tell, though, Abbey did a marvelous job. She was easy enough to spot: she was the only elephant with SpongeBob on her shirt. The only child who was more conspicuous than either her or the zookeeper was Nicholas, of that's-Abbey-the-kind-of-girl-who-always-hits-me fame. He simply did not commit to the moment at all; he kept his monkey headband in his hands, didn't sing, didn't read his lines, and pretty much maintained a deer-in-the-headlights look for the duration. He's gonna be really into the Cure once he hits high school.
So anyway, I give "Christmas Zoobilee" two thumbs up, not that I'm biased or anything. Maybe next year, the performers will refrain from sitting, because honestly, I couldn't see a thing. Now, off to Kristi's office Christmas party (when the mayor's at your shindig, you know it's a rockin' good time).
I arrived at 12:30, with Kristi coming in from work shortly after; these things being what they are, though, the show itself didn't start until 1:00, and ended, oh, about 13 weeks later. (Yes, I know, it was only a half-hour, but as I said, I was sober.) The theme of the show was a "Christmas Zoobilee," which meant that all the little crumb-crunchers were dressed as animals, except for Hunter, who was the zookeeper. Costumes consisted of construction paper headbands with the appropriate doodads glued on. Abbey was an elephant, so she had a grey headband, with drawn-on eyes and glued-on ears, tusks and trunk, which protruded from next to her left eyebrow so she could see where she was walking. They started by filing in and sitting down in a sort of Waving People on Parade, because whenever a child would spy a parent or two, they'd wave. (Not that we were helping by waving to them in the first place. It looked like the launching of an ocean liner without the confetti.) Then a little girl introduced the show, speaking into an obscenely loud microphone: "WELCOME TO OUR LITTLE PLAY. WE HOPE YOOOOUUUUWAAAAAHHH...." This last bit happened because she'd never used a microphone before, and the amplified sound of her own voice scared her into tears.
Then came the show proper. I can't really tell you the story, because most of the lines were delivered in semi-unison, so they all sounded like "FWUFFUH MUHFFFPLAHH WUFFLEMUFFUH." Ditto the songs, only more quietly, except when they really had a line down cold: "Fuhmufflefwahh WITH OLD SAINT NICK." From what I can tell, though, Abbey did a marvelous job. She was easy enough to spot: she was the only elephant with SpongeBob on her shirt. The only child who was more conspicuous than either her or the zookeeper was Nicholas, of that's-Abbey-the-kind-of-girl-who-always-hits-me fame. He simply did not commit to the moment at all; he kept his monkey headband in his hands, didn't sing, didn't read his lines, and pretty much maintained a deer-in-the-headlights look for the duration. He's gonna be really into the Cure once he hits high school.
So anyway, I give "Christmas Zoobilee" two thumbs up, not that I'm biased or anything. Maybe next year, the performers will refrain from sitting, because honestly, I couldn't see a thing. Now, off to Kristi's office Christmas party (when the mayor's at your shindig, you know it's a rockin' good time).
