Tennessee Chronicles, Vol. I: Pedal, meet metal

A series of thoughts on the drive from Glens Falls, NY to Knoxville, TN in one day, solo:

1) Yes, scheduling a three-hour stretch before the first bathroom break to save time is a good plan. But if you're going to do that, stopping for a Sausage 'n' Egg McGriddle before even getting on the interstate is a bad plan.

2) Pardon mon Franglais, but they should just rename Binghamton, New York "Clusterfuck Grande" and be done with it.

3) I have a nagging nightmare about standing on a high, high peak, and looking around at nothing but big-box stores and strip malls as far as the eye can see. I now give my nightmare a name: Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania.

4) How punchy was I getting? I crossed most of Pennsylvania screaming "Frackville!" like a fallen prophet, then giggling hysterically. (Relax. I wasn't armed.)

5) We now have the results of the Pennsylvania Sightseeing Bowl: Massage Parlor Billboards remained tied with Inmate Work Crews at two apiece, but won in sudden-death overtime when the referees decreed that the 24-hour adult warehouse sign counted.

6) FYI: you can actually smell the Pennsylvania-Maryland border.

7) Dear Caffeinated Morlock Driver (that would be me): If you'd actually looked at that map you bought, Spudnoggin, then you wouldn't have given yourself a heaving panic attack when you saw the "Welcome to West Virginia" sign. (Again, not armed.)

8) As a helpful hint to other prospective solo I-81 drivers, I can honestly say that Henry Rollins spoken word CDs are perhaps the only way to survive Virginia. I say this because, right hand to Hera, you will be driving past the same mountain for hours.

9) After 12 hours of driving, one cannot be sure if the 40-foot guitar across the highway from the Tennessee welcome center is any more real and substantial than the eleven Tanqueray-swilling hobgoblin manicurists in mambo pants singing "Don't Sleep in the Subway, Darling" in the back seat. I'm still not sure.

10) Truckers. Looooooooots of truckers. Wowsers...

Believe it or not, though, I decided that I actually enjoy long road trips. The best part, though? The hug on arrival. Oh, yes.

10 O'Clock Eyewitness News Update, or something

A few updates on the recent nastiness:

1) The husband is still missing; he has, however, been upgraded from "man wanted for questioning" to "armed and dangerous suspect" since last night.

2) The apartment that was being searched down the hall now has an envelope taped to it, addressed to a man with the same last name as the deceased and the suspected killer, but a different first name. He is likely a relative of the missing husband, perhaps his brother. The envelope has been there for quite some time; I'm suspecting that he, too, is missing.

3) The daughter in question, if I'm reading the reports correctly, is a teenager. The assault took place in the woman's car while she was stopped for gas, with the daughter in the back seat. The teen was unharmed (at least physically).

4) A van from Albany News 9 has been parked in our lot for a while now.

5) I'm doing fine for the most part. However, the door is very much locked, and staying that way. Doing fine and being complacent are two different things.