The Saga of Harold the Hoopty-Car

So. Got a car. Yay!

This has been a nightmare of, well, nightmarish proportions. Step with me for a moment, if you will, as we present the following dramatic recreation of recent events:

Me: Why, hello, Mr. Car Salesman Guy! I'm looking for a used car!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Good! We have lots of lovely cars over here, just in, lovely condition. How much were you fixing to spend?
Me: Very, very little.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [somewhat disappointed] Oh. Well, there's always this lot wayyyy over here.... [leads me to a decommisioned vacant lot with a chained-up Doberman and a sign that says, "USED AUTIMA AUTAMO CARS. RUN GOOD."]
Me: Wellll, this Intrigue runs nicely...low mileage...bitchin' sub-woofers...I'll take it!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Very good!
Me: And since my Odyssey is worth much, much more than the Intrigue, I can get the difference back in cash, right?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Of course! Our financing department will be glad to...
Me: Um, actually, I was going to go through my credit union, which has my current loan.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [flinches visibly, recovers as he assesses just how much experience I have with this sort of thing] Oh, uh, I don't think they'll, um, do that.
Me: No?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: No. It's...illegal.
Me: [blink] Illegal?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Oh, yeah. Totally. Against their charter, don'cha know.
Me: [blink] [blink] Are you on crack?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Not at all. Now, our financing department would be glad to...
Me: Hold that thought. [dashes home, calls credit union]
Credit Union: Hello?
Me: Hi. I want to trade my expensive car for a cheaper one and pocket the difference, and I want you to do the honors.
Credit Union: Okiedokie.
Me: Mr. Car Salesman Guy says it's illegal.
Credit Union: [pause] He's on crack.
Me: Gotcha.

Next day:

Me: So, wanna hear wat the credit union said about you?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Not really. So, you buyin', or what?
Me: Sure, but I'm going through the credit union.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [flinches visibly] I told you, I can only do that if they cough up a lien release, and they'll never...
Me: They said it was no problem at all.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Oh. [pause to down a bottle of Maalox] Okay, so how do they want to handle it?
Me: Pardon?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: I mean, who writes what checks to whom, and when, and with what kind of pen, and...
Me: Fucknuggets, I don't know. Isn't that your department?
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Well, no, because... [cue thunderous echo effect] NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT LIKE THIS BEFORE.
Me: [blink] You sure you're not on cr—
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Call the credit union.
Me: It's Saturday.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Not my problem, now is it?

Monday:
Me: So, how's this supposed to go?
Credit Union: [explains in 50 words or less, in plain English]
Me: But that's easy. The guy told me it's never been done this way.
Credit Union: Crack.
Me: Roger. Thanks. [calls dealer]
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Okay, okay. So when d'ya wanna pick it up?
Me: Wednesday. Noon. Dammit.
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: No problem. Noooooo problem. None at all.

Wednesday at noon:
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: [shaking my hand] Hi, Adam!
Me: Hi!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Lovely day, isn't it?
Me: Indeed!
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Yes, indeed! [pause] Your car isn't ready. Come back tomorrow.
Me: [searches for a blunt object]
Mr. Car Salesman Guy: Oh, and that paper in your hand isn't the title. Go home and look for the real one while you're waiting.

So. After much box-shuffling and teeth-gnashing, we have our beautiful 2001 Olds Intrigue, which we have christened Harold the Hoopty Car (Chez Geek fans will understand why) Inaugural drive: The Drovers and Richard Thompson on the stereo while we tooled down to Latham to cash the check. The illegal one, don'cha know. Crack kills, kids.