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Food porn nightmares, volume 1
Jun. 17th, 2008 12:58 pmWhen the working day gets boring, Adam makes snarky lists. (The opinions expressed in the following are those of the blogger, and do not reflect those of the management or anyone with a lick of sanity to speak of.)
The 7 Worst TV Foodies Ever (or at least among those I could think of offhand)
7) Wolfgang Puck (Cooking Class with Wolfgang Puck )
One of America's most overrated chefs in becomes one of America's most overrated cooking show hosts, a man reduced to a cult of personality, hold the personality. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by sitting through an entire episode, but failed. (And I'll come right out and say it: those things he calls "pizzas" are not @#%$in' pizzas.)
6) Rachael Ray (30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels, et al)
Rachael was more or less watchable once, but has overstayed her welcome even worse than Emeril did a few years back; mind you, it doesn't help that I'm living in the Glens Falls/Lake George area, the region where she was born and grew up, which means near-constant media inundation. I'm expecting her molecular structure to one day break down into a pile of unrelated catchphrases—"E.V.O.O.! Delish! Yum-o!"—any one of which is my cue to put something heavy through the TV screen.
5) Katie Lee Joel (Top Chef, season one)
I would have been more than happy to disqualify Ms. Joel from consideration for this list, seeing as how she's only done one food-related program, and only lasted for one season, and acted as a reality-show hostess with no real contact with food except for some eating at judging time. But dag nabbit, she went and published a cookbook, more or less forcing the issue. Fine. Katie, you lasted for only one season because in spite your good looks you showed about as much personality as a three-inch cube of unpainted formica, with spray-starched line readings you could carve a canoe out of, and your publication of a cookbook doesn't alter the fact that you've been replaced by someone who not only looks better, but whose celebrity husband has more integrity than yours. Nothing personal.
4) Andrew Zimmern (Bizarre Foods)
Wow, way to miss the point. Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations is one of the most fascinating shows on television because the host displays a genuine fascination for the many cultures of the world, and wants to experience those cultures from the inside out, from food to celebration to day-to-day life. Somehow, Mr. Zimmern took a similar formula and came up with "smug, sweaty bald guy goes around cramming sautéd bugs and stuff into his mouth while you watch." Seriously, that's the entire show. And to make it worse, I swear the sound guys crank up his mike so you can hear him crunching and slurping and smacking his lips and flapping his cheeks in full hi-fi Sensurround clarity, pushing the operation firmly from "we don't care" to "we'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that."
3) Justin Wilson (Louisiana Cookin')
Ladies and gentlemen, a man who built a career around having a regional American accent, and not much else. A man who every week would estimate a teaspoon of salt in his palm like every other chef on the planet, then feel it necessary to pour the salt into a measuring spoon to demonstrate that, yes, he did in fact estimate a teaspoon, which the studio audience was expected to applaud. A man who spent most of his programs staggering around in a half-drunken stupor until the last few minutes, when he'd sit down and laboriously eat the meal he just cooked, which the studio audience was also expected to applaud. Yawn.
2) Art Ginsburg, a.k.a. Mr. Food (syndicated)
Oy. Quite possibly among the top ten most annoying people on the face of this God's green earth. He looks like the semi-lucid sort of guy you pray won't sit next to you on an interstate bus trip, which he augments by wearing a big ol' floppy chef's hat, a move so incongruously self-conscious that you just shake your head in sorrow over the man who not only thought it was a good idea, but stuck with it for three decades. And then there's the catchphrase (repeat after me): "Ooooooh, it's so good!" If you're thinking that this is about the last thing you want to hear coming out of the mouth of someone like Mr. Food, you'd be absolutely correct.
1) Sandra Lee (Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee)
Dear God, how did this woman ever get airtime? If you're not familiar with the quote-semi-homemade-unquote concept, lemme give you a little sample idea from her Halloween special: you can make worm cupcakes! Step one: Buy cupcake mix. Step two: Make cupcakes. Step three: Put gummi worms on them. Whee. Look, I don't have a problem with simple; I have a problem with frickin' moronic. We're talking about stuff a step down from Good Housekeeping handy home tips (telling biographical detail: she quit her studies at Le Cordon Bleu because they were, and I quote, "a waste of time"). Her big claim to fame prior to this show? A home decorating product called "Kurtain Kraft" [sic]. Enough said.
The 7 Worst TV Foodies Ever (or at least among those I could think of offhand)
7) Wolfgang Puck (Cooking Class with Wolfgang Puck )
One of America's most overrated chefs in becomes one of America's most overrated cooking show hosts, a man reduced to a cult of personality, hold the personality. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by sitting through an entire episode, but failed. (And I'll come right out and say it: those things he calls "pizzas" are not @#%$in' pizzas.)
6) Rachael Ray (30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels, et al)
Rachael was more or less watchable once, but has overstayed her welcome even worse than Emeril did a few years back; mind you, it doesn't help that I'm living in the Glens Falls/Lake George area, the region where she was born and grew up, which means near-constant media inundation. I'm expecting her molecular structure to one day break down into a pile of unrelated catchphrases—"E.V.O.O.! Delish! Yum-o!"—any one of which is my cue to put something heavy through the TV screen.
5) Katie Lee Joel (Top Chef, season one)
I would have been more than happy to disqualify Ms. Joel from consideration for this list, seeing as how she's only done one food-related program, and only lasted for one season, and acted as a reality-show hostess with no real contact with food except for some eating at judging time. But dag nabbit, she went and published a cookbook, more or less forcing the issue. Fine. Katie, you lasted for only one season because in spite your good looks you showed about as much personality as a three-inch cube of unpainted formica, with spray-starched line readings you could carve a canoe out of, and your publication of a cookbook doesn't alter the fact that you've been replaced by someone who not only looks better, but whose celebrity husband has more integrity than yours. Nothing personal.
4) Andrew Zimmern (Bizarre Foods)
Wow, way to miss the point. Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations is one of the most fascinating shows on television because the host displays a genuine fascination for the many cultures of the world, and wants to experience those cultures from the inside out, from food to celebration to day-to-day life. Somehow, Mr. Zimmern took a similar formula and came up with "smug, sweaty bald guy goes around cramming sautéd bugs and stuff into his mouth while you watch." Seriously, that's the entire show. And to make it worse, I swear the sound guys crank up his mike so you can hear him crunching and slurping and smacking his lips and flapping his cheeks in full hi-fi Sensurround clarity, pushing the operation firmly from "we don't care" to "we'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that."
3) Justin Wilson (Louisiana Cookin')
Ladies and gentlemen, a man who built a career around having a regional American accent, and not much else. A man who every week would estimate a teaspoon of salt in his palm like every other chef on the planet, then feel it necessary to pour the salt into a measuring spoon to demonstrate that, yes, he did in fact estimate a teaspoon, which the studio audience was expected to applaud. A man who spent most of his programs staggering around in a half-drunken stupor until the last few minutes, when he'd sit down and laboriously eat the meal he just cooked, which the studio audience was also expected to applaud. Yawn.
2) Art Ginsburg, a.k.a. Mr. Food (syndicated)
Oy. Quite possibly among the top ten most annoying people on the face of this God's green earth. He looks like the semi-lucid sort of guy you pray won't sit next to you on an interstate bus trip, which he augments by wearing a big ol' floppy chef's hat, a move so incongruously self-conscious that you just shake your head in sorrow over the man who not only thought it was a good idea, but stuck with it for three decades. And then there's the catchphrase (repeat after me): "Ooooooh, it's so good!" If you're thinking that this is about the last thing you want to hear coming out of the mouth of someone like Mr. Food, you'd be absolutely correct.
1) Sandra Lee (Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee)
Dear God, how did this woman ever get airtime? If you're not familiar with the quote-semi-homemade-unquote concept, lemme give you a little sample idea from her Halloween special: you can make worm cupcakes! Step one: Buy cupcake mix. Step two: Make cupcakes. Step three: Put gummi worms on them. Whee. Look, I don't have a problem with simple; I have a problem with frickin' moronic. We're talking about stuff a step down from Good Housekeeping handy home tips (telling biographical detail: she quit her studies at Le Cordon Bleu because they were, and I quote, "a waste of time"). Her big claim to fame prior to this show? A home decorating product called "Kurtain Kraft" [sic]. Enough said.
