Dan Drample, I smirk at you!

In honor of the momentary return of Mad Men (and let us grieve in advance for its forthcoming passing), I present the following, written and performed (not by me) for the NPR program Wits back in 2013 (copyright them) and painstakingly transcribed by me because I'm compulsive like that. All names spelled correctly.

THE MAD MEN SHOW

THEME MUSIC: Mad Men! Mad Men! The Mad Men Show is on! Here come the Mad Men, drinking booze in their hands!

DON: All you other Mad Mens, come into my office. I have a problem with my brain feelings. [door] Oh, hello, Robert Sterning.

ROGER: Dan Drample, I smirk at you!

DON: Rombert, you know me best because you are fake dad of me. I’m messed up by wrong sex-having. Is it possible some actions have negative consequences?

ROGER: Ho, ho, Dom! Have some brown drink! You are handsome in suit-clothes and hair and we are important! Here comes young Pat Clampo! He wants to be important, too! [door]

PETE: So I act like important men and have wrong sex. I want things to have!

ROGER: Ho ho ho! Oh, us men! Let’s put cigarettes in our faces! We’ll never die, I bet!

PETE: Mad Mens, we don’t have time for this. We have an important talking-to meeting with a business-having man who might put money on us to come up with words and pictures to sell objects.

DON: Right. I’m Dan Drupal. I can do that all the times. Nothing changes here in the 60’s.

PEGGY: Sorry to interrupt the audience. It’s me, Peggy Olmenschen! I don’t work at the Mad Men idea factory any more.

DON: Paggy, are you in a different scene away from us?

PEGGY: Yes!

DON: But I built you.

PEGGY: Now I become Don Drample on my own in another idea factory.

DON: Oh, sadness!

PEGGY: I love and hate you, dad-brother-husband. My perkiness is made of steel! Now back to your own scene!

DON: Hm, where were we?

PETE: The businessman coming in now is the boss of products for the now times. Here he comes!

CLIENT: [door] Hello, Mad Mens.

MAD MENS: Hello, client!

CLIENT: I need advertisements for long hairs and for mari-juh-wanna cigarettes and pretty soon Woodstock and boys who look like girls. I will now say the word “groovy.” Grooooooovy.

DON: I got it. How about ads that are like ads how things used to be. That way we’re all young and important, and Pet Camfell here can’t kill us and eat us.

PETE: Ha, ha! I want to do those things before my nervous breakdown!

ROGER: Yes, yes, we’ll make old-fashioned ads! Now someone get Joan to pour us brown drinks even though she is better than us! I enjoy her breasts!

CLIENT: Your ideas aren’t good enough, Mad Mens.

MAD MENS: What?!

CLIENT: I need new ads. The world is changing things, and you’re not as much. I’ll go have Peggy Olmenschen fry up ideas instead. Peace.

PETE: Wait! Client! Come back!

DON: Ow, my soul. I better run off and have wrong-sex. Oh, no! Here comes Mergen my wife now!

MEGAN: [door, sobbing] I was in our big sad apartment, and then I went to television show you don’t grasp, and now I’m here. Wha…what will you do with me? Also, the Beatles.

ROGER: Hey, I had a new wife once, and I got sadder!

DON: Our show is a carousel. People show up and ride around on it, and it doesn't get them anywhere.

MEGAN: I don’t understand. I pretend-act like a older lady and we pretend you’re not a older man and everything is all mixed up. Zubee-zubee-zu!

PETE: How about this, Mad Mens: Let’s make ourselves into clients and pay us a lot! We’ll love us!

ROGER: Yes, then we’ll always matter! To us! Let’s stick cigarettes in our faces and wear suits and don’t ever look at the world okay!

DON: And I will keep being quietly sad!

ROGER: Of course! To our new client, the Mad Men Show!

MAD MENS: To the Mad Men Show!