Five seconds to BIM hour! Four...three...two...BIM!

[slipjig3]

I finally convinced rafaela to sit down and watch the first five minutes of The Apple with me. Her official take: "SOUL TRAIN: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG."

I am sorry to say that I still have not seen the last 20 minutes of this thing, as the computer I was watching on kept doing this annoying stutter-stop thing (probably its way of saying, "Omigod, what did you just put in me?!"), but I have to say that I lost count of the number of times I uttered the phrase "What the f*ck...?" somewhere between the third and fourth musical numbers or so. This thing is begging for an MST3King. Heck, I've already started shouting things out loud, and I was watching it alone. You can't help it.

* "1994: When K-cars had hooters!"
* "Why, yes, I'm Satan. And yes, I'm fabulous."
* "Wait, the Devil named his son 'Dandy'?"
* "Earthquake! Because the gaffers' union demands it!"
* "Wow, she just went from Judy Collins to Bonnie Tyler in, like, three days."
* "Hey, you can't grope the landlady! You're the good guy!"

Seriously, people. The movie has been described as a disco Chick tract, which is true only if Jack Chick were very, very gay. It's a movie with no plot. No budget. Performances that play like six feet of drywall. Choreography by Twyla Tharp's beautician. Costumes that make The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert look like Wall Street. And songs that...no. Sorry, can't talk about the songs. It hurts. It...*weeps for the love of Jesus*

In short: Greatest. Movie. Ever.*




* for some values of "great"


EDIT: Just finished watching, finally. There is no typeface large enough to be worthy of the "WTF" I need to type right now. The ending.... I have never seen a movie take what little plot there is and drive in squarely into a brick wall quite like that. You remember the ending of The Abyss, where the screenwriters couldn't figure out how to get everyone off the bottom of the ocean without killing them, so they punted by throwing out both the laws of physics and anything resembling sense? Yeah. It's worse than that.

Comments

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

(nope, not a typo, and yes, it's a PG film)

Ooh! Alan Cumming's in it? (Wait: he'd have to be hella young in it!)

I finally convinced rafaela to sit down and watch the first five minutes of The Apple with me. Her official take: "SOUL TRAIN: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG."

As if you need another reason to love her...

[weyrdbird.livejournal.com]

And it *wasn't* directed by Roger Corman?! :D
I'll keep it in mind. The info I have found on the film seriously validates the word horrendous!

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

In make-you-feel-better news: the radio this morning played Fairport Convention.

(KINK FM doesn't usually play them; the station's highlighting a yar a day from 1968 on, since it went on the air in '68, and today is 1969.)

[rubian77.livejournal.com]

Ohhhh, no. You haven't lived until you've seen The Terror of Tiny Town.

3 words: Midget Western Musical.


And yes, it is going on the DVD I am planning to send to you with Zardoz, Hell Comes to Frogtown, and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!