My New Year's resolution tastes like feet

[slipjig3]

I meant to put this out there a week or two ago, but it seems to have slipped my mind:

I live my life under the shadow fo a contradiction. On the one hand, I'm a foodie, and an adventurous one—please, by all means, give me new experiences and extend my palate any way you can. Rattlesnake? Yes, please! Cheese whose name can only be correctly pronounced in some remote areas of Albania? Don't mind if I do! On the other hand, though, I'm also very much a creature of habit, given to defaulting to one of a handful of lunch choices or having "the usual" at whatever restaurant I'm at yet again. This is partly a matter of comfort, but I have the feeling it's also due to just plain garden-variety laziness.

So! My New Year's resolution: taste something new every day in 2010. Something, anything—food or drink, recipe or ingredient, entree or just a candy bar. Whatever, so long as I put something in my mouth every calendar day that's never been there before. (And stop that snickering.)

This is the rare resolution that I'm genuinely exceited about. I've been looking forward to doing this since I made my decision several weeks ago, and have been squirreling a few things away in my cupboards for just this purpose, including a couple of items I picked up in an Asian grocery with issendai over Thanksgiving. Planning has been involved, yo.

Unfortunately, I decided to start my journey with something I grabbed on the way out of the store today:



This, shall we say, was less than an auspicious start. If you've never tried Goya Coconut Flavored Soda...well, honestly, I rather envy you, because this won't be going away any time soon. The problems with said beverage are multifold:

1) It's green. I don't know why. This in itself wouldn't be a problem at all if the drink were pleasant and refreshing; in its current context, however, it brings the word "bilious" to mind, which is somewhere among the bottom three or four adjectives I really want to be thinking about at a time like this.

2) Ingredients are as follows: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors, and citric acid. The End. Even amongst marginal food products, this stuff doesn't get invited to parties. (My one comfort is that "walrus snot" would probably be classified as a natural ingredient, because otherwise, I'd have to take a moment to wonder.)

3) There is an inherent dose of failure right at the conceptual level. Think soda: Light. Crisp. Bubbly. Now think coconut: dense masses of glossy tropical oils. Yeahhh, I'm thinking you didn't run this one past too many people in advance, did you, Mr. Goya Foods, Inc. of Secaucus, New Jersey?

4) Now, bearing item #3 in mind, it's entirely possible that reality does not follow the conceptual party line. Perhaps the worlds of coconut and soda could be bridged, like Rick Rubin introducing Aerosmith to Run D.M.C. Sadly, it only takes one mouthful before these hopes are dashed into a thousand shards like the mostly-full bottle that you've just chucked across the room in sorrow and betrayal-fueled rage, as instead of "Walk This Way," we're treated to "Ice Ice Baby." Yes, it's a light sparkling soft drink at first, but then the flavor comes slithering across your tongue like Joey Buttafucco on Ladies' Night, and leaving behind (this is no exaggeration) a coat of waxy bleagh that simply will not rinse away. Seriously, I've been chugging Pepsi Throwback like a madman to get the mouth feel to go away, which it stubbornly refuses to do. Bastards.

5) And oh yeah, about that flavor. I was trying to put my finger on it for the longest time (especially when combined with that floor wax quality I just mentioned), but couldn't quite place it. Then I read a review of the stuff someone posted on line, and they nailed it: it's like drinking carbonated Tropicana Suntan Lotion. And now, having typed that, I need to go get another glass of Pepsi Throwback before I started gagging again.

So, yeah. The bottle cost me 89¢, which means I ended up pouring roughly 83¢ worth of corn syrup and Bain du Soleil down the drain. Oh, well. 364 days to go. At elast I can rest easy knowing that everywhere from here is up.

Comments

[atalantapendrag.livejournal.com]

Will we be getting daily reviews? Because that would be awesome.

Be very wary of durian. You'll get experience points for eating it, though.

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

That was my original intent, but I know myself well enough to know that my attention will no doubt drift well before the year is over. I'll likely do reviews whenever possible, but it'll be on an informal, as-warrants basis.

And I've tried durian wafer cookies. I ended up having to bag up the 98% of the package that I didn't try in three nested layers of plastic grocery sacks to save my kitchen from the spreading fug of Eau de Durian. That was plenty for me.

[atalantapendrag.livejournal.com]

My gf gave me a bottle of durian extract for Mother's Day. That's the stuff hazings are made of.

[cluegirl.livejournal.com]

*Can't wait till you get around to durian fruit.*

*Is also made of evil.*

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

See reply above. I've gotten close to durian once. Once. That will suffice until I die, thank you.

[fiddledragon]

what's durian?

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

It's a fruit that's sort of a cross between an apple, a football, a porcupine and a wad of Limburger cheese. There are laws against bringing them out of native southeast Asia on airplanes, because they don't want you gagging your fellow passengers to death. Rather notorious bit of produce.

[fiddledragon]

*blanch*

[catamorphism.livejournal.com]

You forgot to mention that they're delicious.

[malefica-v.livejournal.com]

Funniest Wikipedia entry I've read in ages!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durian

[fiddledragon]

Thank you! and seeing Hydrogen sulfide in the description certainly explains a lot :)

[fiddledragon]

*makes note to never wear her 2nd favorite scent around slipjig with a review like this* ;)

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, no, see, I love coconut, which is why I bought the soda. The soda was Just Plain Wrong, but I'll still be happily buying and snarfing Mounds bars (or better yet, Russell Stover coconut creme seasonal chocolate thingamabobs). In other words, be my guest! :)

[fiddledragon]

*chuckle* well, in that case....

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

But this is a Win for description! Well said, my good man.

(P.S. If you and rafaela are wondering where the heck I am, I'm spending part of the weekend with the folks.)

[daev.livejournal.com]

Can't say you weren't warned.
What the first image that comes into your head when you hear the name "Goya"?



Next week, Gustave Doré pocky sticks!

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

UGH.
I had something similar except it had PIECES of coconut in it. floating around.
they did not improve things in the least.

[sionainn.livejournal.com]

There is a guy on the food_porn community who does, "So You Don't Have to..." videos. He gets the NASTIEST sounding stuff and videos himself trying things. Some he likes, and some.... well, he's also got Tourette's syndrome and is funny as hell!

Check out benchilada

[light-in-motion.livejournal.com]

I have also eaten and enjoyed durian. The key to enjoying it was shutting the valve* in the back of my throat that pulls air in through the nose. The flavor was mild and pleasant.

*Yeah, yeah, I know it's not a valve, but you know what I mean.

[catamorphism.livejournal.com]

Respectfully submitted as a suggestion for a future day: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Materva (I liked it!)

[issendai.livejournal.com]

So what you're saying is I should bring a grocery bag to Arisia?