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slipjig3"Are you all right?"
I've been getting asked that quite a bit lately. Some of those who have asked are people with inside information, who have gotten an earful or two about the current goings-on in my life either from me or someone close, but there have been plenty of iterations coming from people who don't fit that category. I finally got an inkling of why when a couple of folks who know me well pointed out that I haven't posted to LJ in a long time, which is usually a sign that I am not, in fact, all right. And while I knew there'd been a gap, as well as why the gap was there (big posts take more energy than I've had as of late, and the posts I need to write are in fact big), I had no idea that I'd somehow skipped posting for the month of April. All of it. That's never happened before. And given that, I certainly understand all the worry, because I have crawled under a goodly number of rocks over the years, and by all accounts it looks to many like I'm curled up under one right now.
So I'm going to fling myself over this hurdle, an operation that will probably require repeated do-overs because I want to be as fair and honest about where I'm at right now as I can, for better or worse. It comes down to this: Right now, I am carrying weight.
Some of the weight I'm carrying is stuff I'm not at liberty to discuss publicly right now. Some of the weight, like![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
figmentj's move to Portland in a few weeks, my own plans to return to Boston, and the need for both a job and a home to make that happen, I've already mentioned elsewhere online, at least in passing, and will discuss further in the coming days. It all adds up to a set of challenges that are arriving more or less simultaneously, many of which either poke me in places where I'm especially prone to bruising or call upon underdeveloped life skills that I need to start learning immediately if not sooner. The weight is not small, not ignorable, and, despite my usual habits, not something I can shrug off.
But that doesn't answer the question, "Are you all right?" And it's there that the real surprise kicks in: I'm scared, I hurt sometimes, I'm often lonely or confused about what to do next...but you know what? I am all right. I truly am. I am carrying weight, and it's a struggle sometimes, but the weight hadn't crushed me, and it hasn't knocked me off my feet, and even though taking steps is hard, I'm still taking them, weight or no weight. It's just that sometimes the weight makes it hard to dance, is all.
So April has come and gone behind me, but that's not my concern now, not when I'm trying to keep moving forward. I have a lot to talk about here, but I'm not going to make promises that will make me feel guilty for not keeping, other than my intent to stop hiding. I'm going to be asking you all for help, and I understand completely if you can't but will be grateful if you can. Most of all, I need you to be here, the way you've always been, and keep asking me if I'm all right—the question reminds me I'm not alone, and my answer reminds me that I'm going to make it.
I've got this.
I've been getting asked that quite a bit lately. Some of those who have asked are people with inside information, who have gotten an earful or two about the current goings-on in my life either from me or someone close, but there have been plenty of iterations coming from people who don't fit that category. I finally got an inkling of why when a couple of folks who know me well pointed out that I haven't posted to LJ in a long time, which is usually a sign that I am not, in fact, all right. And while I knew there'd been a gap, as well as why the gap was there (big posts take more energy than I've had as of late, and the posts I need to write are in fact big), I had no idea that I'd somehow skipped posting for the month of April. All of it. That's never happened before. And given that, I certainly understand all the worry, because I have crawled under a goodly number of rocks over the years, and by all accounts it looks to many like I'm curled up under one right now.
So I'm going to fling myself over this hurdle, an operation that will probably require repeated do-overs because I want to be as fair and honest about where I'm at right now as I can, for better or worse. It comes down to this: Right now, I am carrying weight.
Some of the weight I'm carrying is stuff I'm not at liberty to discuss publicly right now. Some of the weight, like
figmentj's move to Portland in a few weeks, my own plans to return to Boston, and the need for both a job and a home to make that happen, I've already mentioned elsewhere online, at least in passing, and will discuss further in the coming days. It all adds up to a set of challenges that are arriving more or less simultaneously, many of which either poke me in places where I'm especially prone to bruising or call upon underdeveloped life skills that I need to start learning immediately if not sooner. The weight is not small, not ignorable, and, despite my usual habits, not something I can shrug off.But that doesn't answer the question, "Are you all right?" And it's there that the real surprise kicks in: I'm scared, I hurt sometimes, I'm often lonely or confused about what to do next...but you know what? I am all right. I truly am. I am carrying weight, and it's a struggle sometimes, but the weight hadn't crushed me, and it hasn't knocked me off my feet, and even though taking steps is hard, I'm still taking them, weight or no weight. It's just that sometimes the weight makes it hard to dance, is all.
So April has come and gone behind me, but that's not my concern now, not when I'm trying to keep moving forward. I have a lot to talk about here, but I'm not going to make promises that will make me feel guilty for not keeping, other than my intent to stop hiding. I'm going to be asking you all for help, and I understand completely if you can't but will be grateful if you can. Most of all, I need you to be here, the way you've always been, and keep asking me if I'm all right—the question reminds me I'm not alone, and my answer reminds me that I'm going to make it.
I've got this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-06 02:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-06 03:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-06 09:58 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-06 01:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-06 01:29 pm (UTC)Weight can indeed make it hard to dance. Sometimes it's a matter of regaining your balance. Good luck there. Myself, I'm taking a break from it, literally and metaphorically (and yes, life w/o dance for me is weird).
Wishing you all the luck...
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-06 08:40 pm (UTC)