The Idiot's List for Humans

figmentj and I have had the same discussion over and over again: one of us is in a bad mood, and we don't know why. This is generally a good time for us to whip out the emotional-analytic methods we know and love (Did something happen today to set you off? Are you dreading something? Bad dream?), but more often than not the analysis ends with a blink and something like, "....oh, right, I haven't eaten since yesterday. Maybe my blood sugar is a wee bit out of whack." Problem eventually solved. Eventually.

This evening, we ended up having another such conversation, and it occurred to me that after the gazillionth go-around ending with the same answer set, what we really needed was an Idiot's List, the kind of question list used by tech support to weed out the easy solves from the ones requiring actual work. Y'know, stuff like, "Is your computer plugged in?" "Did you try shutting down and restarting?" Since we people-type creatures are no less machines than computer-type creatures, it would make sense that as owners and operators of said machines, we should have an Idiot's List of our own.

And so here it is. The next time you or a loved one is feeling cranky, morose, or otherwise displaying undirected and unexplained hatred toward the world, run down the following list of questions, in order, and when you reach a sticking point follow the repair instructions listed. (If none of the nine apply, your bad mood will require deeper analysis.)

1) Have you eaten lately?
If no: Eat something.

2) How much water have you drunk today?
If little or none: Drink some water.

3) How much sleep did you get last night?
If not enough: Get some sleep.

4) Have you gotten any exercise lately?
If no: Get some exercise.

5) Have you had coffee?
If no: Have some coffee. *

6) Have you showered?
If no: Take a shower.

7) Is your living space a mess?
If yes: Clean up.

8) Are you lonely?
If yes: Get in touch with someone.

9) Are you on your period?
If yes: Not much to be done to stop the cause of your bad mood, but at least you have a diagnosis that may, if you wish, enable you to not give a fuck.

* = Yes, I know, drugs bad. The purpose of this list, however, is simply to diagnose an unexplained bad mood. Caffeine withdrawal can cause a bad mood. Caffeine can fix caffeine withdrawal. Thank you.